"Sometimes I write things just because"




              I haven't write anything in the longest time ever here. And here I am, trying to fill this space with my thoughts again. I started writing my blog in 2007. Now it's 2018, and I'm proud of myself for the person that I have become and I think I deserve a pat on the back. Those things included all the things I didn't say on Twitter and Instagram when I feel like I want to and I'm glad that I didn't. I swear to god my Twitter drafts are a lot and they will remain like that permanently I guess. This also includes all the pictures I wanted to post on Instagram and I'm glad I didn't. Plus, all the things I wanna say, and I didn't say it out loud on social media. I am honestly glad for this self-refrain that I began to develop and I couldn't be happier and content with my life at the moment. Everything is way, way better when you don't share 90% of your life on social media. Except here. Nobody read blogs anymore so it's good hahah. (Hi, Faiz! If you're reading this) I guess in a world where everyone is racing to let everyone knows what they're up to, it's difficult to have things to only be kept by oneself. I wish everyone knows how much important it is to have things to yourself rather than let anyone (read:strangers) enters your life obnoxiously just by looking at your Instagram and Twitter. Stay mysterious even in 2018, I guess!


Alesana // Fits and Starts

Image result for alesana fits and starts


I have one semester left before graduating


And I'm hella sure I've actually lost myself; being busy with university life - I barely even write anything on this blog anymore. 


I think I've made up my mind
to finally love myself even more, 
the way as I deserved it.


If only you have a Scottish accent, 
you'll be the cutest and 
most attractive human being on Earth. 
And I'm glad you don't have it. 😂🙊


I don't know.



Cheesy alert

1. Chase Coy - If The Moon Fell Down
2. He Is We - Skip to the Good Part
3. Flop Poppy - Aku dan Kamu
4. Bethan Leadlay - Fall for You
5. New Heights - Dear
6. Bry - Adventure Time
7. The Province - Next to You
8. Liyana Fizi - Blindfold
9. Avril Lavigne - I'm With You
10. Jesse McCartney - Beautiful Soul
11. Lifehouse - You and Me
12. Ryan Cabrera - On the Way Down
13.Nick Lachey - What's Left of Me
14. Howie Day - Collide
15. Go Radio - Goodnight Moon
16. Kris Allen - It's Always You
17. Secondhand Serenade - Your Call
18. Dashboard Confessional - Stolen
19. Boys Like Girls - Thunder
20. The All-American Rejects - I For You
21. Paramore - Still Into You
22. Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Your Guardian Angel
23. All Time Low - Time-Bomb

Because it's the 23rd,
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/user/1294627764/playlist/0VIkk4vNRJOJQMreVJioyr


        So how was my 2015? They're fantastic. It has always been fantastic every year. I don't regret even a bit of it. Of course there would be ups and downs because that what makes the whole thing worth it. I can't believe that I'm actually 21 this year. And I started writing on this when I was 15, perhaps? 6 years of writing and it still feels the same way. I've been listening back to old songs and looking at how far we've come, it's sentimental. Like when I listened to Syuga - 8 Hari Seminggu, and I remembered the morning I was getting ready for school at 6.45a.m. And OAG, Flop Poppy, etc. What more when it comes to MCR, right? Haha

        New Year resolutions? I've decided to forgive everyone. Every single one of human being that have been making mistakes, consciously or not. Because I find it easier for me to live that way. Second one? Getting slimmer. This one hell of resolution never work every year. So perhaps this year it'll work. Third? That should be a wait.


            A late night thought is never a good thought. Because it's a suicidal thought, the thought that made you think twice about lives around you. Trust me, if it's not in any other time, late night is the time when you start to question all the things in your life, whether a person really likes you or not, or if you look good enough for a living, or if you're actually worth enough to be around people. Everything strucks you hard at night and then you'll get a heartache from just thinking about that.

            As for me, I got heartaches almost every night. And during the day, the nightmares come to life. It's suck to not have anything permanent, knowing things can come and go just like that.


Because he is a keeper.


Here are few things about being busy;

Yes, you can be busy with your works
You can be busy with your phone and whatsapp
Of course, being busy with studies is definitely encouraged,
Or perhaps busy catching up the latest updates

But you can never be too busy to notice if somebody is planning to walk out of your life unnoticed.



grunge | Tumblr

              I do not know how many people actually keep track on reading things on this blog (because I don't care) but I'm definitely sure somebody must have at least spent few minutes reading all the ridiculousness I've been posting on here. So here we go. Since it is Ramadhan, I'm gonna reminisce my high schools because I feel like to. I have accurately three high schools that I've attended. Two of them were boarding schools and the other one was a normal SMK. By normal, I mean that it doesn't have hostels and stuff, you know what I mean. And this is where I would like to admit that the only school I enjoyed the most was my SMK school. I like the people there and the teachers. It felt more like home and there would be no hesitation on going to school every day, weird isn't it?

           Both of my boarding schools? I can't say that I don't like them at all, but I have to say that they were nightmares that I've survived from. My good friend lied to me and hid my phone for God sake I don't know why, friends hated me for I was a prefect (in both school), room being sabotaged (hahahahah what the hell weh) and I wonder if they secretly planned on making a death accident for me. And I remember every single face who ruined my life with all their shitty stories back then. I remember every one of you guys. I remember who actually stood up for me when the hell breaks loose.

          That is why I don't feel attached to my high schools at all unlike everyone else. They taught me lots of things in hard ways and they are not something I'd want to remember about. I'm at the point of I'm kinda hoping that they wouldn't even remember my name. Just in case some of you come across and reading this, bundles of deepest sorry from me towards Syazlin, Nuriffat, Izzah and Taufiq (you know who you are) for I know I've intentionally been such a bitch back then. I'm sorry.

Salam Ramadhan, guys.



Cheesy alert

1. The Wonder Years - Hey Thanks
2. Death Cab for Cutie - I'll Follow You into The Dark
3. Papa Roach - No Matter What
4. Ed Sheeran - Photograph
5. Ryan Cabrera - 40 Kind of Sadness
6. Avril Lavigne - Fall to Pieces
7. Sum 41 - With Me
8. Taylor Swift - Sparks Fly
9. Pete Yorn - On Your Side
10. John Mayer - XO
11. Ryan Cabrera - On the Way Down
12. All Time Low - If These Sheets Were States
13. Yellowcard - Only One
14. Fallout Boy - Sugar, We're Going Down
15. Boys Like Girls - Thunder
16. Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

16 songs just because it's the 16th month on 16 of June.
Spotify: http://open.spotify.com/user/1294627764/playlist/30QK4VFpJProRrPvpMqTfK


Rhymth in June

            It is the end of my first year of degree but since I have to take a short semester, I'll have to survive the lecture for another period of time before I can call myself a second year student. Now, recently everyone is getting married to everyone and here I am still competing with Faiz on PS3 about who's getting highest level in PSN. But nevermind, we're cool. The pressure is intense but I will not need to rush on thing of once in a lifetime; so Faiz can still play his football and theatre and I can play my Dragon Age before we both get to fight about who's making dinner everyday, kan?

          Btw, I hate June. Because on June, there are three weeks of holiday. And on three weeks holiday, there won't be Faiz, Afiqah, Suri and Fudzla. There won't be people to annoy with (sigh). And a good thing about June, I get to have my new beautiful (amazing, wonderful) room. There won't be pictures because it's not fully furnished yet but I'll include some on the next post. And I can't wait to lose some weight on Ramadhann, inshaaAllah. Haha

          What to say about my first year of degree---- it's like a wonderful-yet-stressful year of my life. It's like there are summer and winter at the same time and I know it doesn't make sense but entoh. If you were in my shoes, you'll probably learn the most on how to tolerate with varieties of people. There are people who don't do their assignment just because they're busy (katanyoh). I just don't get it. Aren't everyone is busy? I am never a good person in my whole life but I swear to God I'll at least won't let my groupmate do works alone. And the summer to the winter, I'm finally making up my mind on my future, inshaaAllah.

June, be fast. I can't wait to see faces I miss.


We're slow dancing in a burning room


             Let me tell you about how I always broke into tears when dad goes for outstation. I knew some people might get the idea that I'll get used to it - getting used to seeing dad going away for his works. But no, I've learned to accept that I'll cry, always. Seeing or knowing the people you love is going far away is not an easy emotion to be in when you have thousands of thoughts running through your mind. Will you be able to see them again? Will they be back? What if.. what if... etc. 

             When I was younger for about the age of five, dad went overseas for work. Wanna know what I did the next morning? I went to his car (he left it at home) and put flowers all around the car to express my sadness, lol. Mom did laugh. But I was five. You know when you're younger and a bit dramatic than ever because you watched a lot of movies? Then when I reached high school, I still got emotional though I didn't put any flowers around his car anymore. Every time when dad got home, I'll be super excited. It's not because he brought things home (well at least a part of it), but because perhaps it feels more like home when everyone you love is around, ya know.

                And here I am, a 20 years old daughter, still being an overly attached daughter, being emotional. With all the terrible news happening around the world recently, may God be with him always over there.


I really like how our birthdays are in the same month of February. I know it's not a big deal. There are like millions of people in the world sharing the same month of February, but yours is my favorite. Including the fictional story you told me.

"I believe that on the day you were born, I couldn't wait to see you soon. I was very excited perhaps. Hence, I decided to be out a week after, on the 18th. And here I am."

A happy birthday to my favorite person,
thank you for a wonderful year, thank you for existing, Faiz.


Like previous years, February has always been my favorite. It's not because of the birthday alone, but it's because of the air I'm breathing in. It always feels different than any other months, well at least for me. And a yay for me for living a 20 years of life. The purpose of me writing this is just because I love writing - I'm in love with the idea of expressing thoughts through writing; and because I'd probably like to share how were my life 2014 and the earlier of 2015. Perhaps a huge thank you for you who spend two minutes reading this seven lines of babbling.

Let me start from 2014. To be honest, in 2014, I've been suffering a lot throughout the whole first semester of my degree. Most of the lecturer were being mean to us, the undergraduate. Trying to fit in with the new environment, it's not fair for us to be treated rather harsh and cold. As university's freshmen, we did our assignments with our best efforts but in the end, the lecturer didn't even bother to read a single paragraph. We're not used to this kind of teaching method, if you know what I mean. To make it brief, 2014 was a struggle of life and death and money and lecturer. 

In this earlier 2015, I've got to know who my real friends are - they're getting less. Some people in my life are staying by my side just to make me feel a lot worse than before. Not to forget those who stay to make me feel alive despite the timeline. I've been trying to be a good friend to everyone around me and yet, God knows why even a good friend talked behind your back. I've never feel a lot more insulted and betrayed but hey at least,  I've decided to not make myself feel depressed over the people who are not worth my sadness. People hate it when you're happy, people hate it when you're not and the thing is you don't really know how to make them feel okay or perhaps they even hate it when you're breathing, who knows. I've been trying to keep my distance from these people and trying to be surrounded with good vibes. 

I have to be honest with all the talks behind my back - it hurts. I have a friend who silently hated me for my cgpa and did not know that I'm struggling very hard. My cgpa is not that good but at least I'm trying to put more efforts on it instead of mourning over it. I have a friend who treated me like it's better when I'm not around and hey let me tell you this, I'm better when you're not around too. That is a pretty messed up friendship, i know. Well, it's terrifying of how much a friend could have killed me inside and I'm only 20. To be depressed over this thing at this age will not get me anywhere. And I still hate this "Ala, kau kan .......................". I've had enough. You and your sarcastic tone can gth. If you hate it, let's be honest and we'll settle it down. Honest people with honest thoughts are my favourite kind of people. It doesn't matter if it's an ugly truth that I have to face, but at least I know where I can improvise.


Well I'd walk on fire just to be next to you
and I'd climb the highest mountain just to see your point of view
and I'd swim the edge of the earth if you said you wanted proof
yeah I'd do that for you.

And if all of it is for nothing
well at least I took a shot
I hope my luck turns around sometime soon

Well if you're lost I'd bring you safe back home
and wrestle with your demon 
so you can be left alone
and I'd lay down my coat so you can walk all over it
just like you do me.

I guess it's better lost than found
cause you just bring me down
I'm turning back before I get myself too deep.

And I'm so sorry for myself.


Didn't I tell you about how adventurous my life was? How I've been through shit and stuff? How I lost my faith in humanity and how I love the sky when it's grey? How reading books seems much better than having conversations?

Saying things you don't mean never make things better for me.



Not even once, 
have I regretted meeting anyone who entered my life.

not even those who I no longer befriended with.
Not even those who made me cry for their faults.
Not even those who put me through shits and agony.
Not even those who I've cursed for more than thousand times.
Not even those who broke promises and pretended not to know.
Plus, those who gave me too many good memories along the journey.

They came off as strangers who gave me lessons
and I do understand that they left for their task is done.

But some stay and I'm thankful.

Thank you, everyone.


Science and art. 
Washing dishes and adding numbers. Driving taxis and sailing ships. 

Find what you love. 

It doesn’t matter what it is or how much money you’ll make or what people will think of you. 
Just find it and hold on tightly. - Iain S. Thomas


You're sweeter than Augustus and you know it. Well, you better know it.


One day you met a person and you think they're different from the others.

This one person will be the one who is constantly running around your mind the moment you wake up in the morning and will occupy your last thought of the day. You guys will be so familiar towards each other that you can talk about almost everything; even about the smallest matter on Earth where both of you can act like best friends, siblings and lovers at the same time. Not knowing what the future holds, yet, both of you are having faith on the thing that's going on. All the love songs on the radio reminds you of that one particular person. The love quotes you saw on tumblr? Those aren't exception. Everything in your daily life now reminds you of that one person.

This one person will know what your favorite song is, what your favorite bands are, when you're sleepy, when you're happy, when you're angry and mad, when you're not in the mood and when you're all in despair. They will know your favorite color and weather. Not to mention about favorite food and willing to get them for you, just to see you happy. Even if your look is at your worst, they will see you as the most beautiful person ever alive. It's like there's some kind of radar that connects both of you so you'll understand each other without even telling.

I found mine and I think he's different.

I don't know how it all started. I have no idea why it happened and at what time but what I know is he is now wandering around everywhere I go, occupying minds and thoughts. He is the brightest of everyone in the room. He may not be the prince on a white horse. He is not going to have a smile on his face all the time. He will have his bad days and flaws that he doesn't feel like talking at all. His hair might not be in the way they used to be every day. He may not listen to the kind of songs I'm listening to and even dare to question why my songs suck. He may be too sweet for someone so bitter like me. He may write awkward poems at random times and sing emotionally in public places but he's always there, fixing my life and making things better. He makes me laugh when I'm about to cry. He is ambitious and determined that I'm not even worried. He completes my sentence when I'm out of words, he supports when I'm about to lose. Thanks, Faiz.


This is going to be a longer post than usual, I told myself.

Did I tell you about being in a three-month holiday? Finishing my foundation and waiting for le degree this September, hurah! 

  Guess I haven't online my Twitter for as frequent as I used to be because I couldn't seem to find any reason to do so anymore. I've lost interest in it like how I've lost interest in Myspace and Facebook. Looking back at the old posts on Twitter is a weird experience. It's funny in a way "Weh aku ke ni?". Same goes to the old posts in the blog. Everything was so over dramatic or too rebellious. None was as normal as a person could be. I'm terribly sorry for that.

Last week I decided to convert some of the posts to drafts for personal view only since they are laughable to be viewed by oneself. Reading each of them made my day anyway and I bet I'm not the only one who's going through this, not when you started to write a blog since you're in secondary school. Nope. Too much dramas and a lil bit of nonsense. Wait, maybe too much of a nonsense and again, I'm sorry. I promised I won't write that way again.

And last week too, I stopped having my life on social networks. Getting a life outside the screen. Painting rooms, cleaning up the house, watching movies, went outside playing sports, outing with sister, watching several tv shows, tuned the guitar strings and stuff. Now that the house looked amazing and it feels more like home, I realized how I've wasted most of my lifetime- on being useless.

Out of all, I did manage to compose a song yesterday. It's not gonna be as good as Taylor's but your ears won't bleed.


Childhood stuff back then.
Jess and Lisa were true heroes besides Gerard Way.


Hello, beautiful heaven. 
I've been waiting for you since forever.
Watchdogs, PS3 (2014) Review


They said what's past is past
and you're my past so do remain in the past
don't come knocking on the door asking me to take a glance
or even send any some sort of gifts

because every time I do so
you're only bringing a pain in the ass
tearing everything apart
shattering any kind of hopes and dreams
introducing me to a new kind of nightmare
breaking down every emotions
bruising a part of my everyday life

because what's past is past
and what has been decided to stay in the past
do remain there

don't come knocking

you're looking at the master of leaving things behind.


There are too many things I kept as drafts
typed em all but never dare to post any

but then I realized
all those drafts I've been keeping
are all those things I've been wanting to say

but some things are better left unsaid though.


One day, whether you like it or not
you'll need to walk away from the place you used to 

small talk

and the most important thing is



Three months to go
and I'm seeing you again


Because faiz
you're annoying as heck

but do remain annoying

because I couldn't find any other way
to keep me smiling

during my darkest day.

Ada ke kasi pantun
time aku tengah stress, tak paham betul.


Just because I'm too busy putting everyone on the top of the list

taking care of everyone's sensitivity

I forgot I have mine to be taken care of


And the worst part of it, they even forgot about it, too.

Penat doh. Sangat.

Boleh dah kalau aku nak putus asa cemni.


There is this one thing I've never learn to let go of

is to learn on how to not get too overly attached to anyone.

Sesak la.


Gabrielle Aplin  


Awesome 2014. *cries*


I've been crying in my du'a lately
and I'm not really sure why
it's just so random.


Don't spoil me with all the happiness
of being a princess
I'm the knight
in shining armor

Don't umbrella-ed me
when you're actually drenched in the rain
leading me down the road
while carrying my shopping bags
and books
and stuffs
and wtv
with le Lumia that I hate

Don't pay for the things I should have paid for myself
I'll owe you a lot
the gifts and Arsenal jersey and ticket and cardigan
and my time trying to figure out how to repay everything

I'm the knight
in shining armor
I shouldn't be saved by another knight
this is so unfair ah


Is this too obvious
either way
at some point
I'm speaking in reverse

figure it out, lol.


Tell you what? February air feels right.


If I'm pausing my game while fighting the final boss
with only one potion left in the inventory
and the HP is only 40% left
just to reply to a message or whatsapp

you'll absolutely know where you stand.


Too many things I kept to myself, too many things people didn't know about that sometimes I'm afraid of living in the society. I'm not sure if telling anyone any of my problems would do me any good. I won't complain my life or I'll be labeled as an ungrateful bastard. I used to run away from things, problems; and people. Used to giving up on things and not regret any of it; taking everything for granted. It's a kind of assurance to actually feel no regret after giving up. It feels like I've made the right decision after all-

But how is it to make me any better for running from things?
I didn't learn
or became any better

and what doesn't kill me is actually killing me
it's just not that obvious.


People die.
And eventually will. Sooner or later.


I have no idea how some people can be so rude towards each other
I mean calling other people with 'natang', 'sekor', 'babi ni'

Well, that is so rude
and highly inappropriate.
I mean, how come you have a heart to call people with 'natang' (without feeling guilty?)

and yet so far away from making people having a good first impression
(well, if you don't even care what people say then go on)

Stop being so rude and use a better language ah
yang lebih sopan
and more human
even if they're your good best friend, no.

You absolutely don't want people to
"Wei natang, kau tengah buat apa aa babi?" do you?

Well, unless.....you really are.


Tell me about new year

I... don't cherish new year
I got older
the cost of living increased

everything else goes up

except for my height.


So you see
there are things you don't really say out loud
there are things you don't want people to know
and there are feelings you keep it for yourself

that sometimes you let it all fade away

and you forgot it yourself
and the thing goes on and on

without knowing when to stop.


People did change a bit-

throughout two seconds 


In case you still don't understand
at times when I got my own problems
I obviously don't go around
and bitching about it
so that everyone knows
and feels sympathy.


Tell me the definition of fairness
when you're not even there to listen to my flaws and bad days
but I'm always there
listening to your bitchy stories?

When I need my own time
I do have solid reasons
and sharing isn't my thing

I don't really know now ah
you're in which
friend or backstabber
bcs you can be both
at the same time.

And it's confusing


Goodbye | via Tumblr


Hayley%2BWilliams%2B3.jpg (640×426)

"Just watch my wildest dream come true, not one of them involving!"
- Hayley Williams